16
Sep
2009
Battle of the Engines of Search and Decision
Microsoft have challenged Google’s reign over the multi-million dollar industry of searching for things, or “Googling” as it’s known, by releasing a new online game called Bing! Like all good games, it’s very simple – you type words into a little box and then it Googles them for you and you have to decide which one to click on. Seems like you could just do that with Google, but it’d be a shame not to get a fight going about which one is the best.
Classic search engine
By the way, I added the exclamation mark to the word ‘Bing!’ add a certain gravitas to the onomatopoeia. Microsoft have foolishly omitted it from their own press.
To find out more about Bing, I googled it. Bing calls itself a Decision Engine. It doesn’t just search for things, it actually decides which of them you should click on. According to this online video ad, it will offer a RICHER EXPERIENCE through a range of innovative features. The first of these is ‘infinite image scrolling’. You hear that Google? None of this looking-at-a-few-images-and-then-clicking-to-the-next-page nonsense. Bing gives you infinity images all at once. That’s the second highest number, so until Google can come up with a way to put infinity plus one (no returnsies) images on the page, it’s game over.
The other innovative features of Bing include refining image searches (just like Google), playing videos directly from the search page (just like Google) and ’searching from where you are’, meaning you can Bing from your Hotmail account, (just like Gmail). So far, so similar, so underwhelming.
Glory be! It's the Arch of Triumph!
On the subject of ’searching from where I am’, I had a quick look at the French Bing and it has not forgiven me for peeking. I’m now back on the UK version, and it still returns an awful lot of French results, Binging on about Paris and Michel Guérard while twirling its virtual moustache and trying to sell me a string of e-garlic. This is not going to help its test results.
Let’s see how Google and Bing fare in a fight for my affections, in what we shall call: The Battle of the Engines of Search and Decision (I’ve divided it into rounds to make it tense).
Round 1. The physical contest
In a Googlefight, the winner is the one who yields the most search results. There is no Bingfight, so it will have to be a tricky away game for Bing. I held their jackets while they battled it out in the car park, Engine à Engine. The results were bloody, brutal, and unsurprising:
At the time of writing, Google shows 343 billion hits to Bing’s measly 10 billion. A sound beating, even with Bing stalwarts like Chandler and Crosby bolstering the results. 1-0 to Google.
This man is a coward (compared to me)
Round 2. Self esteem
I asked each Engine of Search and Decision to tell me a little about themselves. I know that putting Google into Google is extremely dangerous but, much like the brave test pilots who flew the first Harriers, I took the risk for humankind.
Google boasts about winning libel law suits, and inventing the telephone, before telling me that Google is Google and giving me a link to Google, presumably so I can go Google something else.
Asking Bing to go Bing itself brings up news items about Detroit mayor David Bing and dead movie star Bing Crosby (breaking news – still dead!). For being slightly less self obsessed, we’ll give the points to Bing. 1-1
Round 3. How they make me feel about myself
Everyone Googles themselves from time to time. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. We don’t talk about it but we all do it… But I’ve never self-Binged, until now.
Google’s first result claims that Jimi Odell is “easily one of the finest guitarists working today… his playing and singing are nothing short of pure poetry”. The video is of an older man than myself talking about the Philadelphia jazz scene under my name, but I’ll take the compliment. Maybe I really am one of Philly’s best kept secrets.
Bing actually finds the real me and drags up my underwhelming IMDB profile which leaves out a lot of the good work I’ve done and paints me as some kind of dogsbody. I feel like it’s pointing out my flaws and run home crying.
Still, even though my feelings are hurt in the short term, I appreciate Bing’s honesty. At least it bothered to mention me. 1-2 in favour of Bing.
kmuqutas
Round 4. Cleverosity
An Engine of Search and Decision has to be cleverer than me, or there’s no way it will find what I have so far failed to acquire through old fashioned searching methods (such as rifling through old post-it notes and asking people at the bus stop).
I tried misspelling a few words to see if the wily engines can figure out what I’m trying to say. Both deal comfortably with a variety of errors in and around the word ‘kumquat’ but Bing stumbles over ‘kmuqat’ where Google succeeds. 2-2. It’s a close one.
Round 5. Looks
Google became a verb because it stripped off and bared its plain white innards, its dignity covered by nothing more than a blank search window. Bing has undone all this good work and taken up residence at Tower Bridge. Out of curiosity, I went to www.bing.ru to see which Russian landmark clothes Bing’s naked villainy. St Basil’s Cathedral perhaps? Gorky Park? No. Turns out it’s Sydney Opera House. 3-2 to Google.
Round 6. Excitement
As a human, it’s important to me that everything should be as convenient as possible and that nothing should require any effort at all. Google is at the end of my Home button, where it’s been for years. I hate moving house. Familiarity doesn’t breed contempt, it breeds comfort and warmth. However, Bing deserves some acknowledgement for inventing the phrase Decision Engine, and causing this fight. Maybe it’s time to embrace change and/or violence. This round goes to Bing. 3-3.
Round 7. Sense of humour
All Engines of Search and Decision should have what’s known online as a GSOH. Google used to translate ‘isn’t’ into ‘is’ which was funny for a while. It doesn’t any more, so I offered it something that’s already funny – the naked mole rat. Both Google and Bing lead to the same zoological journal that compares the naked mole rat to ‘a hot dog with teeth’. Sadly, that’s not the correct answer. I want you to look at this image now:
Naked mole rat
OK. Now mentally subtract the teeth, wrap it in a warm bun, add mustard, and tell me whether you still want to eat it.
No points this round. Neither of these Engines is funny. We remain at 3-3.
Round 8. Searching and Deciding
OK, this is the real clincher. The deciding round. I need help SEARCHING for and DECIDING where to go for dinner. Refining local restaurant searches is supposed to be Bing’s forte so it could be the nail in the coffin for Google.
I asked Google about restaurants in Camden, my local ‘hood. It provided me with a long list of places, reviews, contact details, menus – this is hopeful. I asked Bing the same question, expecting an even more tailored response, based on what the marketing chaps told me in the aforementioned video.
Here’s where Bing stumbles and fails. It led me to Yahoo! local. At the first sign of having to make a decision, the world’s first Decision Engine decided to defer to an old fashioned Search Engine, one that used to be powered by Google and actually has an exclamation mark. Yes, Bing uses Yahoo! to decide; Google uses Google to search.
4-3 to Google. In fact, 7-0. I’m taking Bing’s points away and giving them back to Google. I should never have doubted it. I can rest now, in the familiar arms of the monopoly, like a lizard in a hammock. The memories of my foray into Binging will soon fade, just as the sounds of the Sydney Philharmonic dwindle to silence on a chilly Moscow evening.
I think I’ll use my own thoughts and memories to decide what to have for dinner tonight. Maybe kumquats and hot dogs.
![[del.icio.us]](http://images.del.icio.us/static/img/delicious.small.gif){kind=small}
30
Jun
2009
How to become Batman from blogging alone
Most successful bloggers have one thing in common – they’ve all published lists of how to become a successful blogger. I didn’t get through reading many of them because they were pretty long but I figure if I follow suit and publish my own list, I’ll soon be just as successful as them, if not more so. And you, by reading them, can be too.
It could be you
Now, most blogs only tell you how to make some extra money from blogging and they suggest a slow and methodical approach. Me, I’m impatient and kind of struck for cash, so I’m going to go straight for the jugular and publish the definitive list of instant success for blogs. Follow my tips and, not only will you become a millionaire within just a few days, you will become a crime fighting millionaire. Yes, you too can be Batman, and all you have to do is blog. Here’s how…
1. Write goodly. No one likes bad writing, so write as goodly as you can all the time, using actual words and grammatical illusions.
2. Quit your job. Do this straight away. Don’t even waste time calling your boss, just resolve right now to stop going in. Your boss will get the message eventually and, when your co-workers find out you are Batman, they will forgive you.
3. Blog constantly. Thanks to technological advances like laptops and Sony Walkmans, you can write blogs literally anywhere so there’s no excuse for taking a break. Whether you’re wandering around the supermarket, at the gym taking a shower, or in bed trying to get to sleep, you should be writing. Right now I’m in a meeting with my personal finance adviser. She’s asking me some really confusing questions and I’m doing my best to phase her out so I can carry on giving you sound advice on blogging.
4. Be rude. Nobody likes competition, so try to put anyone down who might get in your way. I don’t mean a lethal injection, I just mean a cutting remark or two. You don’t get to be the best unless you can prove that everyone else is at least slightly inferior.
This is the gum you need
5. Chew gum. Chewing gum will make you look wicked cool and people will want to know more about what makes you tick. Some gum now comes in a plastic packet and costs three times as much as regular gum. This will make you appear three times as cool as regular gum chewers so it’s an easy decision.
6. Make lists. Lists of things give the impression that you are an authority on that particular subject. Future blogs of mine will contain lists of: dinosaurs; ice cream flavours; irregular polygons; Quantum Leap episodes; and and the best lists of all time. Lists of 5 or 10 things are good, but proper lists have 31 items, one of which should be self-referential.
7. Use swearwords. Swearwords make you look grown up and tough, especially the really good ones. You know the ones – get using them.
8. Charge people to read your blog. If it costs money, it must have value – the more you charge, the more people are likely to want to read what you’ve written. Even if they can’t afford it, you’ll feel good knowing that at least they want to.
9. Express controversial opinions. Don’t just write about what you believe in – try to be deliberately obtuse and really get your readers’ backs up.
10. Copy people. If you want to be genuinely creative, find some other genuinely creative people, then do the exact same things that they do.
11. Expect instant results. The more impatient you are, the more likely you are to push your luck.
12. Write about what you think people want to hear. Claim to have expert knowledge in current affairs, even if you don’t know what you are talking about. If you’ve seen something in the news, just write about it. Nobody’s going to disagree with a gum-chewing Batman who swears.
Dramatic pictures are even more effective
13. Use pictures. Doesn’t matter what the pictures are of, just post pictures. I used one of a rhino to talk about swine flu and you all loved it.
14. Make shit up. If you can’t think of anything real to blog about, just make something up. By the time anyone realises you are lying, they will have already read your blog and paid for the privilege. This is what’s known in retail as ‘upselling’.
15. Talk down to your readers. You might think your internet readers are intelligent but they’re not. Think of them as extras in a movie about you and treat them with casual contempt.
16. Eat junk food. You’re successful now, so you can eat whatever you like without worrying about the consequences.
17. Publish the first thing you think of. You’ll be tempted to go back and edit your work but just publish the first draft and move on. If you’re as good as you think you are, you’ll have got it right the first time.
Try telling this guy he's wrong
18. Get a tattoo. If you’re not tough enough to have a tattoo, why should I care about your opinions?
19. Generalise. Try not to be too specific when talking about certain things.
20. Email everyone all the time. Most people like to get emails. Email your entire address book several times a day to remind them about your blog. Use a series of different email addresses to confuse them.
21. Keep going on and off the boil. Interesting and well crafted blogs are all well and good, but the occasional bad one will keep your readers on their toes.
22. Don’t explain everything.
He's probably waiting for your call
23. Try to get Charlie Brooker’s attention. Register on Twitter and put ‘@charltonbrooker’ into all your updates. He won’t be annoyed, he’ll love your ingenuity and he’ll probably get you a column in a national newspaper.
24. Be more intimidating. By making the competition feel uncomfortable, you will be in a stronger position to corner the market. If you can get yourself a guest slot on someone else’s blog, use it as an opportunity to bring them down from within.
25. Write long paragraphs. The bigger the block of text is on the screen, the more people will be convinced that there’s something interesting buried in there. People say ‘less is more’ but that’s stupid because less isn’t more. If anything, it’s slightly less.
26. Be serious. If your readers wanted to laugh, they’d watch sitcoms.
27. Get rid of your ‘About Me’ section. Nobody cares about the real you.
28. Dismiss your readers. You could even write a rambling post, picking apart specific aspects of someone who you know reads your blog, mentioning them by name.
29. Use jargon. Litter your posts with technical words and made up phrases to convince your readers that they are looking at something important.
The best things come to those who wait for someone else to bring them the best things
30. Wait. You shouldn’t have to try any harder than you already are to get attention for your blog. Most success stories involve lazy, talented people being recognised by enthusiastic hacks in search of a protege. This could be you.
31. Finally – compose a list of how to be a better blogger. None of the above will mean a thing until you’ve done this last step. Success is measured by the number of secrets you’re willing to share concerning the story of your success.
I hope this has helped and I expect to see an increase in the number of Bat-signals in the night sky over the next few weeks. I look forward to reading all your lists and do please get in touch with me if you want to write a guest blog here at Blog Tired.
Until the next time, take care, and please pass this list on to anyone who may enjoy it. You could also click the ‘Digg’ button below if you’re into that sort of thing, or join our Facebook group by logging on and searching for ‘Blog Tired’.
13
May
2009
Writing about writing is not writing
The sun is shining for the first time since August 2004 and I’m indoors, writing about writing. I feel like a fraud. I feel lazy. I’m beginning to think I may have ADHD. Or, at the very least, a serious heart condition.
My first blog is already becoming the story of how I came to write my first blog, which is embarrassingly post-modern. I don’t know how to write blogs. The ones I have researched seem to be about current affairs (and I am no expert) or creepy lists of the ‘Top Five Crappiest Monsters of All Time’ or something.
This quickfire short format should be easy, I’m telling myself, and yet I feel guilty for even attempting it. I feel like I’m cheating on “my novel” (everybody’s got one), to which I have made a long term loving commitment. While she lies dormant on my “hard drive” (my imagination) , patiently awaiting my return, I’m sauntering around cyberspace with a cheap blog.
So, seeing as I’m not writing this novel, I may as well write about not writing it… I have a short attention span, and a tendency to swing wildly between over-enthusiasm and cynicism – whether the glass is half full or half empty doesn’t seem to matter. I’m not drinking it either way, so it’s no use to me. Writing a novel consists of gathering three hundred million thoughts into a single place, and then putting them in the right order. This inevitably involves discarding at least two hundred million of your cleverest thoughts into the shredder.
I do not have a shredder; I have a wooden box and a USB stick. Between them, these containers hold billions of scraps of half-finished ideas that may as well be mewling kittens for all the likelihood I have of destroying them. I am thoroughly prolific, and disastrously disorganised.
I am in the unenviable position of having put seven years of hard work into a project and still not knowing where to start. Every so often I knuckle down to a draft with renewed vigour, chuckling to myself about how foolish I’ve been all this time, practically spewing words onto the page, skipping meals and staying up till dawn to close off that beautiful key moment. Then, inevitably, I run out of steam and cast it aside once again. I am like Camus’s Joseph Grand, rewriting his opening sentence over and over again.
So, rather than succumb to the whims of this relentless bastard of a novel, I find myself blogging, freed from the constraints of the long form, toying with words like a child toys with toys. While I get to grips with this technology, I proudly present you with my first official blog, here, you just read it.
My second blog will be ‘The Top Five Crappiest Monsters of All Time’ or something.
